Ok, so I didn't intend to post on this blog, but sometimes you just have to talk to no one in particular (aka: internet void) even though you know everyone will read it. So this is my second week of clinical with Miss. Harris. Granted, the first week went better than I thought in some respects....Miss Harris didn't chop my head off or tell me I was stupid, as expected. However, there was one day that I worked for 20 hours, and that was only to complete half of the "normal" homework load for one class during the first week of school. Does anyone think this is reasonable? If so, raise your hand. Right, me either.
So anyway, my options are obviously to either continue with the course or not continue. Continuing definitely appeals to my pride because I don't like giving up or admitting defeat. Continuing is also necessary in order to become an RN. So that definitely has it's merits. Not continuing (can you hear the heavens opening up and angels singing???) means I could go on to grad school and to the mission field a lot sooner (and POORER) than otherwise. It means I would have time to read my Bible everyday and (gasp) sleep more than 4 hours a night and (oh, heaven forbid) go to the gym. (could you hear the nursing teachers fainting dead away??).
The most common argument given to me as a reason for staying in nursing school is that "it will be worth it". Honestly, that's not very comforting right now, because I'm horribly flawed in that I focus too much on the here and now. And come to think of it, I'm too selfish. Translated, that statement means "ok, well right now your life is horrible, you feel incompetent and like you're running ALL the time, but it's kinda like having a baby......it hurts really really really really bad, but then there's new LIFE".
So ladies and gentlemen, that is why I have decided to stay in nursing school. For those of you who did not catch the flaws in my arguments, here are a few of them:
1. Millions of people in the world work harder than me earning less money with no hope of it ending, so basically because of that fact alone, I should sit down and shut up.
2. Going overseas sooner is not necessarily better, and poorer is not worse.
3. The only reason I'm going thru this torture we like to call school is because I felt called to it. Somewhere along the line I completely lost sight of the glory of being called-- of God using my complete incompetence to serve Him.
4. Going overseas to a mission field will not necessary be less stressful than life right now, and I certainly won't be transformed into super-spiritual girl all the sudden. God has already told me that he can use me right here and now in my patients and fellow students if I would only quit griping and let him.
5. If I am incapable of serving God in my current circumstances, then I seriously need to reevaluate my Christianity because something is missing if I have to have a certain amount of sleep in order to serve!!!!
Ok, so back to the whole childbirth analogy. I'm staying in nursing school because sometimes God wants us to do hard things and in doing them he produces new Life. God does not want to be my cheerleader or passenger in my car, he is a living fire waiting to consume me, and in being consumed by God I will be set free. If I let go then this experience will give me new Life, then God will take my Life and touch other people who will become new Life.
So anyway, I'm going to get back to childbirth (that would be homework) and....let go. | 
